Me and Future-Self

Let's try something different this time. Instead of blogging down my thoughts, I'm going to make this a self-participatory blog where I can look back at these posts and wonder if I ever change myself. So here goes...

Inspiration drawn from Marshall Eriksen and Zaidah.

Dear Future-Me,

I know you're going to be a successful and wealthy man in the future with a bold dream like yours. One thing to bear in mind though. Please don't be an asshole like me right now. I am selfish, self-loathing, ego-eccentric and worst of all, I've lost half the will to care.

Please don't be like me. I want you to love the people around you and enjoy life with its sweetness and bitterness. Especially your elder sister. She needs you and you know it. So be there for her with every given opportunity there is in the midst of your busy schedule.

Right now, I'm having a crush on this girl. To tell you, she's pretty awesome and so much better looking than Yan Ting. She may end up being your girlfriend or just another girl who broke your heart. I just want you to know, no matter what happen, just keep hanging in there, brother. You are so much wiser and more experienced than me now. Be strong for me, man. What matters most is that I love you. Your family loves you. Don't do anything that I wouldn't do.

Love is the greatest gift you'll ever get from anyone, man.

P.S. Please, please, I beg you, you can start off with any car you want, but please end up having an Audi, okay? Much appreciated...

*UPDATE* Nah, I don't think it'll work for the subsequent posts...Back to normal blogging, I guess..

Let's Break It Down

I need to get away from Singapore.

I need to get away from cheating husbands, brokenhearted sisters, Loneliness, unrequited crushes and my fucked-up piece of mind. Even my appetite for food is gone. The bacon that once satisfy my love for food is slowly turning stale in my mouth and on my taste-buds.

My family recently travelled to places where I couldn't go. I was left at home during their trips to Malaysia and Turkey. My elder sister was rarely at home. The maid was doing her own thing while I quietly went to my room. Trapped within the confines of those four walls, even MSN couldn't help fill the empty space in my heart. Loneliness screwed my mind over. Though my family is back, their existence and presence in the home did not matter to me anymore. I can not bring myself to care anymore. The human connection I had was lost.

I used to question the existence of oneself; Whether it is all real or just a dream like the Matrix. Are we just beings that are floating around in a cerulean ocean, sleeping and dreaming of us typing on a laptop about meaningless purposes? How come we are able to imagine? How is it possible for us to talk with voices? How come we are capable of so many things?

That was just to throw you guys off. The question I want to ask now is: Love and care is part of the human nature for a quite long time. Is it possible that these things will become so deep rooted in us that we only care because we just want to appear nice and kind?

I said "Cheer up!" to a friend just recently. I didn't feel sincere at all. I just knew that you got to say "Cheer up!" to a friend who's feeling down. I know it's not nice of me to say that but I couldn't be bothered whether I said that with sincerity or not. I am not in the mood to care for people. Even "I love you" is such a repetitive phrase and we say that to reassure and reaffirm the faith in our beloved ones. My elder sister asked me if I will still love her when I grow up. I paused before saying "Yeah..." I knew she knew there was something wrong with my answer because I didn't sound truthful or genuine.

...

...

...

Spain, England and Paris will be nice.

I just wish that I'll be going next week instead waiting till March...

Episode VIII

11.7.09 Journal Entry 8

Okay, let’s talk about something that was on my mind a couple days back.

I experienced people badmouthing behind other people’s back. To make matters worse, they were in my clique.

Both of them were talking and talking about certain people with their behaviours and their physiques. Saying really nasty stuff. I didn’t want to join in so I kept really quiet throughout the conversation. Sometimes I had to pretend I actually care about what they’re talking about otherwise they’ll know I’m feeling uncomfortable. So occasionally, I’ll give a chuckle or two and ask them “What you guys talking about?”

Honestly, I don’t like badmouthing people. I have a positive view of almost everybody in the class. If I don’t really like them as much, I won’t project a negative attitude to the person. I will just play neutral. Maybe, I’m a very gullible guy who believes the good-natured front that the cunning person projects.

Anyway, the point is, not do I only hate badmouthing and I also don’t approve of it. What these guys did was compromising my values and beliefs. I feel like the lessons that were with my upbringing are being put to the test. Should I refuse the temptation to whine or should I just join in the bitching? Or maybe I should yell at them, saying how immature they are and they should accept people who they are.

Maybe the reason why they are so vocal about their opinions and views is because they’re media students. But can’t they understand? I know the grass on MS0901’s side is greener than our side but we have to accept people. Like once the King of Pop sang, “It don’t matter if you’re black or white”, though we’re not dealing with racism. Humans are not perfect like your Brad Pitt or Megan Fox.

So right now, I’m being stretched to the ends of my wits, nearing the edge, about to cross some serious lines that I never would in the first place. I feel very confused and conflicted within.

If I told my mom about these things in school, she’d say, “Then don’t hang out with them!” But things isn’t as easy as 1 2 3. It would seem tactless and abrupt. Besides, we have some sort of bond among us so it’s hard to break that bond with a snap. Maybe I’m just a very nice guy who don’t know how the break the news to them.

So I have concluded only recently that I will hang out with them not as often. Let that friendship slowly turn cold then it’ll be easier to ditch the friendship and allow us to remain as acquaintances.

PS. All that has changed now...

Did I Drive You Away?

Well, I saw sparks… - Sparks by Coldplay

Currently, this song is stuck in my head whenever I think of that friend who always takes away my breath whenever our eyes are locked on for a few seconds.

I have this habit of looking at the people around me, hoping to myself that they will never see me looking at them. I take longer and more frequent glances at the people whom I know and like better. If they happen to notice my glance, I will always look away.

But all that has changed. Courage took over me and I started to maintain the eye connection with the people around me for a while. It wasn’t hard for me because most of the time we end that connection with a smile.

Then came along this friend. To say she’s an all-right friend would be an understatement because she is so nice, sweet and cool to hang out with. I value this friendship with her very much. I hate it if it’s be ruined by some stupid reason.

So sometimes, I would look to her direction and she would look around and see me looking at her. Those mere few seconds felt like minutes. As time goes by, I begin to see the warmth and comfort behind those alluring eyes of hers.

And it’ll be those eyes that will cause the demise of our friendship. I don’t want that. I don’t want to fall for her and destroy the connection between us. Somehow, I have a tendency to fall in love with girls who are my close friends. I can tell you right now; I really hate myself for doing this torturous thing to myself. Trust me, I’ve been there before and it’s not fun at all. In fact, it’s fucking scary as hell.

So, I got to stop. I really have to stop this…

Jo Yin told me something else, which I, too, agree. Who are we to deny the entrance of Love into our lives? If it happens, just go with the flow and see where that goes.

The thing is, I have a feeling that long-term crushes/loves goes beyond a point of no return for me.

Down to Earth

In my life, I have never been made it to any Dean's Lists until now.

Today, I was graced with a certificate of admission into the Director's List in front my peers and friends. I am grateful and humbled by this acknowledgement that NYP has given me.

But please, do not think of me as your kryptonite and I'm blocking your way to the top because the only competitor I regard in my life is only myself.

I'm in a constant internal struggle during every hour and minute of the day, trying to best my own record and do better than the every past-minute of myself.

So in all, I'm just a guy who's not asking for a lot of recognition in life...

I just want to earn my Oscar statuettes. =D

Stay humble and cool-headed yo.

Episode VII

21st June. Journal Entry 7

Love.

I appreciate what Love had brought me all these years. It is a wonderful feeling when I come back home from school because all the pressure from the classmates and teachers are all left at the front door. But of course, gratitude often comes with love. I am truly grateful to my classmates and teachers had given me. A second home in school where everybody is almost as kind and friendly as my family back home.

But no, I didn’t really experience that kind of love in school before. To me, my secondary school life had been quite hellish. Well, blood is thicker than water so I can’t really expect my classmates and teachers to be as forgiving as my parents back home if I messed something up.

As a student trying to survive in school, I met with many setbacks. Not academically but socially. I wasn’t really outcast by my classmates. But I’m the guy who never hangs out with a big group of friends. I had only 3 close friends and that’s all. We’re never stupid enough to break the school rules. The hottest soup we ever got ourselves into was playing poker cards in school and a prefect caught us. Well, it wasn’t that bad.

My classmates and me, we are of polar opposites. I’m the really mellow guy who stands out from the crowd in a while and says “Hi!” then I go back into hiding again. My classmates are all humourous and active. They’ll never fail to tickle the class’ funny bones with their witty jokes. So sometimes I get thrown aside and nobody notices me again. I’m that tragic. Because of our different personalities, most of the time I will never get involved in their fun shenanigans. They usually leave me out. So I fell wayside.

But secondary school wasn’t all that bad. I joined the school military band and that was where I had the most meaningful experience in my life. It wasn’t just experimenting and practising music, I had a lot of fun while doing them with my friends and seniors. I played percussion in the school band but I wasn’t the drummer. More specifically, I’m the person who looks out for the overall sound while my other two friends specialize in drum-set rhythms. So we kind of brought something different for every practices and share among ourselves. We were discovering different sophisticated and awesome at such a young and tender age. Besides, we had to teach our juniors and get scolding from our conductors. All these just bonded us together. Such trust and loyalty are hard to gain but easy to lose. So, they are like my half-brothers.

As the years went by, I learnt to appreciate my classmates for what they are. Well, there can’t be people who are of exact personality and character, right? Though I can’t join in their fun after school but during lessons, I’ll just laugh along with them. My friendship with them is merely platonic and nothing else. Anyway, it’s good enough to be in their presence so I’m grateful for not being rejected for being myself.

Things could have been, you know.

Be Kind, Rewind

What's the world coming to? You have the idiots who think proudly of themselves and wanting their freedom of speech and you have people of dark characters and pasts who reveal the ugly side of humans.

I didn’t know or even met any idiots in my life before. The idiots that I know were on the television like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I don’t really care for them and their stupid behaviours and opinions. I just know that it can’t possibly happen in Singapore.

Since I met that guy, everything changed. He must be asking for attention by acting so stupid all the time. Sometimes I thought, “Damn, he is an evil genius.” But, whatever you know.

So today, one of my classmates gave a speech to the whole class. It was regarding about the bullying the idiot. She said we should give him one last chance to fit in with the all of us. I disagree with her. I don’t think anyone with that kind of diva attitude towards everything should even be here. I’m sorry but I had so much encounters with him for many assignments that I don’t think he deserves any sort of apology or acceptance from me.

Having that said, sometimes I might have gone overboard. So I decided to leave him alone forever. If he does not come to me and fuck me up real fucking badly, I won’t go picking on him. So, this is my final offer of salvation for him, otherwise I will unleash a fury of vulgarity-ridden sentences upon him and make him face my wrath.

I think you guys have seen some really fucked up shit in life. Some people just become mind-fucked after seeing all the ugly side of people. They are so mind-fucked that they lost hope and trust in humanity. They start to think the worst of people’s intentions and interpret them in the most twisted way. They think the world is sick and vile and there is no cure.

I beg to differ. Sure, there is a lot of evil in this world but we are constantly trying to do the right thing by being nice and good to people. There is no black or white, there is only grey.

In other words, we are all flawed human beings trying to be the nicest to the best of our moral values. Why lose hope in humans? There is still good in the world. You just don’t realize it.

And I salute those who are still optimistic and hopeful about the world despite its giant flaws. I wouldn’t say that they are living in self-denial but rather; they have embraced the facts and are living their life to the fullest by contributing a single puzzle piece to the jigsaw “Hope” by being kind to everyone they know. I hate to quote from this musical but it’s true “We’re all in this together”.

By doing this, they have achieved something higher in life than those who just keep on rambling on about how the world sucked. That, I guess, is Happiness.

And true happiness is hard to come by. And with that, I end this post.

Bear in mind: Be grateful and Be Love.

Ciao...