Undisclosed Desires

I am slowly descending into the state of insanity where nothing really matters to me. Not even my studies. And the reason behind this cause is my stupid crush.

I realised something important over the years as a young maturing boy with hormonal problems. I used to be an emotional boy, and I still am but I'm gaining control over my feelings. But the point is, Love screws me upside-down. I remembered that I did not do that well for Sec 2 because I got dumped by a girl who had a 6-months worth of crush on me just 1 month ago before the major exams.

Hmm, the suffering...

The way I tackle love is such an old-school method. The first step can be described using a quote from the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who pays me the least bit of attention.."

Yes, if a girl, provided that she's adequately pretty, constantly comes to talk to me , I would fall in love with her easily. But this isn't a full-proof method because some girls are my good friends so I don't really fall in love with them. In other words, this girl got to be someone whom I think is special. Like Zooey Deschanel...

The next step is to talk to her as much as possible. Get to know her better, make her feel better about herself, be supportive and etc. The idea of this is to become her best guy friend. Or at least make it till the runner-up.

Then comes the part where I break the confession to her. Sometimes they just see me as their best friend AND THAT really breaks my heart. "I'm sorry, but I prefer to have you as my good friend.." is just another meaning for "Fuck you, I don't want to go out with you because you're fugly and boring."

Sounds harsh eh? But that's the truth. Can't say I really like it. Then they'll go on saying "You'll find someone that fits/love you, don't worry.."

Fuck that.

Despite my distaste for cliche romance films, my vision of Love is that everything is sweet and memorable. Having that said, I'm trying very hard to keep this vision intact within me because every relationships around me are fucked-up. It's hard to find someone you truly love, that's what I can say.

The girl that I have a crush on is a Summer. Obviously, I'm not talking about the seasons of distinct weather patterns. Summer is a fictitious girl from a film that I adore this year. Summer is somewhat independent and does not want to be romantically involved with someone. She only just wants to have some harmless fun. I guess, my Summer is here. Will I be a Tom Hansen in time to come? I certainly hope not...

Sometimes I find myself battling with my conscience, knowing what's not the thing to do, but I still do it anyway.

Sounds familiar eh? Join the club...

Random Thoughts

Waking up early, a crazy timetable and an unbearable classmate... And to think that I will work harder this semester, all these obstacles just keep holding me down. For the first two weeks, it was like a session where Hitler makes me sit throughout a fast-forward sequences of violent images of evil Jews and I drool all over my arms.

Hitler. Interesting. I made a comparison to Hitler... Moving on!

Statement of the Semester: Management modules are boring.

Sadly, it's the truth. Management of a media business is an interesting topic. The concepts of managing lots of different people makes the modules more attractive to learn. It's all about the skills of toying with individual's minds and if you do learn how to grasp that ability, it'll probably rank you amongst the most scheming and cunning people on the Earth.

But when it comes to answering tutorial questions, it's a total fucking nightmare. Especially Financial Management. I'm not a guy with a business mind. I'm the guy with the whacked-out imagination who utilizes his sleep to dream of psychedelic images and story plots.

Then some wonderful things start to happen to me. I know she'll be reading this if she comes here.

So there's this girl Zaidah in my class. I always thought she's a pretty cool chick. The way she talks to friends and presents herself in front of class, I always knew she was something entirely entity. Then recently, we started to chat on MSN. And by chat, I meant talking about stuff that connects us deeply to. As it turns out, we have the similar tastes in music, movies and thoughts!

What a crazy yet creepy coincidence! I finally found my music and movie buddy! And to find that kind of buddy in a school where there are thousands of students, it can be only be one reason behind it. Sheer pure luck! So thank you Zaidah for your albums and everything. You made my last weekend a great one to enjoy! =D

Next up. Had a small argument with classmate today. Was intending to stick up a helium gas tank up his ass and blow him out of proportions. But had no evidence to do it so mission was aborted. While going up a friend's house to play XBox, I thought of another way to scare him.

1. Take a step closer to Ben (preferably near his neck)

2. Take a deep breathe with a disgusted look my face

3. "You know, Ben...You reek of Fear, I can smell it on you."

With this, I believe I can psychologically traumatize him into thinking I am some weird fuck with no fucking morals. What a pity that I didn't thought of this earlier.

In other thoughts, I think I'm in love again...After the closure with Yan Ting, I am free to love and to be loved...

Random P.S Talking's overrated. Just type the words out and see how they complete each other's meaning.

Peace out.

Episode VI

11.6.09 Journal Entry 6

This week made me feel like I’m living in a hellhole.

Every module had its homework.

Ms. Ang’s scriptwriting homework, Mr. Chong’s ICA1, Chrisp’s speech for ICA2, John’s Marketing test, Mr. Azhar’s scriptwriting and treatment homework.

And what else am I leaving out?

Honestly, I wasn’t really prepared for this week. Seriously, Alistair once said that week 4 was the worst but I didn’t really felt the pressure. But this week was the worst week I ever had.

Tension was high and everyone was at their wits’ ends trying to complete their homework and studies. I pushed myself on after every minor setback. Told myself to move on and don’t look back. I was on the verge of giving everything up until I gave myself a small pat on the back. I told myself: Though I may screw up big time for some assignments and test, but it’s okay. It’s over already. I must strive on to survive this week. Someone heard me saying this and she, too, gave her support and said “Yeaah, I like your attitude =)”. This really gave a boost in my morale.

So big deal, I screwed up Chrisp’s speech. We can’t possibly ace at every tests and exams right? Important lesson learnt: Never ever give an impromptu speech because I’m not a fluent speaker.

Preparation for John’s marketing test wasn’t easy at all. Though I paid a lot of attention during John’s lectures, the important facts and reasons still escapes my mind. So I had to constantly ask questions and scribble notes in my marketing notes and makes sure I understand everything aspect of the topic.

Then when I study the notes, I usually would copy what the notes had said so I remember it more clearly. Other than this way of memorizing the facts, I remember the facts using the sequence of how the facts was placed

My classmates kept saying I’m going to ace the test because I’m very clever. Truth is, I was never a clever boy. I would be the dumbest idiot if not for my willingness to change myself. It’s not that I’m clever; it’s just that I’m hardworking. I chose to study very hard because I know if I don’t study, I probably do very badly for the test. So when I study diligently, it’s just for me to pass that subject or module.

If I were an intelligent student, I wouldn’t be here in the first place. I would be studying at a JC already.

Marketing Module ain’t easy to learn but it ain’t that difficult to pick up either. All it takes is just common sense but I seem to be lacking that whenever I’m feeling nervous. And I don’t think I will ace the test today despite the overload of information in my head. The test was still difficult. Damn…

With the holidays approaching, I really wish I can prepare myself spiritually and be mentally prepared for more assignments to come.

Three days went down, two more to go.

Ganbate, Xing You!

Solving a Problem at a Time

I found closure with my ex-girlfriend a few days ago.

I am happy that we did that because I was unable to love and commit to anybody for 3 years.

Now that I am able to love again, I'm stuck with 3 choices.

Maybe Love isn't suppose to happen like that.

Maybe it's fated.

Maybe it's our own will that propels us to love.

Anyway, lecturer Janice made us picked numbers to be grouped for a pair project.

I chose my ex's birthday number: 17

And I got my worst nightmare classmate again.

Irony can be cruel at times.

Found and Lost

My posts are getting horrible.

I don't know where to start. I have indeed lost my charm and wit. Words and phrases that once held dear to my heart are slowly falling apart. The situation is so bad that I had forgotten how to beautify my sentences. It's so hard trying to find the right words to fit into a sentence. This blog is suppose to help me express myself through words. But now, I'm having a difficult time trying to....I don't know how to go on.

Maybe it's because I'm lost. Yet again. I've lost interest in books and writing. Movies that I could understand are not foreign objects in my mind. Now I'm currently reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Usually, I spend about 2 weeks time to finish the whole book. Now it's the third week since I bought that book. I barely reach halfway. Something's definitely wrong with me.

I don't know how to pick myself up. And I'm doing more stupid stuff than usual. Why the hell did I go speak to that guy?! He's such a loser. My name doesn't belong on his commercialized blogs with the fucking advertorials. He don't even know who is Meryl Streep. She is a very successful actress with like what? 10 over Best Actress Nominations for Oscars under her belt.

I'm not a writer anymore. I've lost it...Can someone help me and get me back on my A-game? I don't want to lose to myself...Or even lose myself completely..

Story About Love..A Love Story...What's The Diff?!

It's official: I have finally watched (500) Days of Summer. I can now die a happy man.

Basically, it's a romance story without the happy ending. Presented in a unconventional and non-linear way, (500) Days of Summer is also story about modern love. It's unique from the rest of the romantic comedies as it shows the reality of a real relationship. Sure, it's a little dramatic at times but there are times we had those ecstatic moments where we do a little celebration when the relationship is heading down a path that we like.

After watching this film, I can't help but relate this to my love life. Yeah yeah, I know I sound cliched right now but bear with me. The role I'm playing is Tom, the guy who is helplessly in love with a girl and everything about her while Yan Ting is Summer. It took me many months to finally get over her.

This is a film that will definitely be stuck on me for many years to come because it is relatable to me. It's a sad thing that Yan Ting is gone from my life but I got to take care of myself and do the things that I'm passionate about.

(500) Days of Summer is a personal favourite of mine even if you mainstream people don't like it..So beat it! =D

Episode V

4.6.09 Journal Entry 5

I’m a quiet observer of my surroundings.

I like seeing people’s actions and expressions. Because I think it’s like watching a mini movie in real life. No acting required. Everything just happens according to a set of concept: Cause and effect. But what’s most interesting about watching people live their lives is their attitude towards a certain event or situation. Sometimes it’ll be funny to watch them fumble through their mistakes. Some of them are sometimes helpless and I feel sad watching them struggling through.

You may think it’s sick when I say I get my satisfaction from observing people but I beg to differ. As an aspiring movie director, I need a lot of inspiration for the movies I want to make. It could be people of professions, youngsters, working adult or even the elderly. The interaction between people is fascinating. Sometimes when someone said something offensive, people would have different reactions to that comment. Some people frown, some raise their eyebrows, some nose twitching. It’s an interesting sight, for me at least.

Observing people and making friends are two different processes for me. Even sometimes I can’t help but also observe my friends’ every action. Then after that, I form a perception about them. But this won’t cloud or influence my decision in making friends with them. Having said that, there is only one thing that could influence my decision: Their selfishness and self-centeredness.

The process of observing people could be as detailed as drawing out a masterpiece.

First, I will always look at how the person looks. His hair covering his face, what kind of nose he has, lips are thick or thin and other minute details.

Then the next thing to observe is the way he dress himself. Usually a person can be defined by observing his dress code. Whether he’s an old man, or a working adult. This is what I call the unique style of a person. Students, on the other hand, can define their clique groups by the way they dress as well. Though not accurate at all times, but it still proves to a certain extent.

Lastly, is their behaviour. Basically it is a key to understanding their personality and character without actually knowing them. Usually the first impression of them is the fairly accurate deduction of themselves. Why do I think so: Because as humans, when we are with our friends, our true selves tend to flesh out during these moments. Then this is when others will catch a glimpse of our personalities.

However, my mind goes haywire at times. Or rather, situations are always not as they seem like. But my mind always tends to think more than it should. It is always frustrating as well when my personal feelings get in the way of my deduction of one’s personality.

However, observing people is not any kind of hobby. At least not mine. Observing people is something that we all humans are doing right now. They keep shut about how their group member operates through their group project. But when that peer evaluation sheets comes by, people write a lot on what they think about their team members.

And usually the comments are never neutral. They either are positive or negative.

Why? Humans judge, that’s why.